katharine hearts the internet

18 years – an anniversary

katharine — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 03:33:41 +0000

The obituary spelled my name wrong.
I sat in dumbfounded shock for days, maybe weeks, afterward.
In the weeks after, I listened to the same Gin Blossom and Morrissey tapes in endless repeat.
I couldn’t process other people’s sympathy.
I didn’t go to the funeral. I’ve never attended anyone else’s funeral out of fairness.
We had to meet with lawyers to hammer out details over inheritance and prosecution of his killer (it’s weird to call a drunk driver a killer). And then there was the woman.
He didn’t pass on any wisdom or great teachings in life, but I learned so much in the wake of his death.
My lawyer matched his socks to his ties and drove a tiny car.
Her lawyer was a squat, disheveled version of John Pinette.
Routine humiliation over missing school for court dates and lawyer meetings. Teenagers who went to court were usually juvenile delinquents. The ladies responsible for signing off on my absentee slips were judgmental when I needed sympathy and compassion.
Two years later I’d catch myself thinking about his fingernails. What would he look like if we dug him up? What did he look like when he died?
My mother and I traveled three hours from our town to his for lawyer meetings. We listened to Monty Python in the rental car’s cassette player. Fast forward was a pain, so we suffered through mutual embarrassment during the “Medical Love Song” and “Sit on My Face.”
I cried once in court. Not much. And not specifically about him. I was only there for the sake of appearance, but I was made to sit and listen to his sleazy bottom-feeder “friends” talk about a life I didn’t know, to paint a picture of a man I didn’t know but who didn’t sound like the man my mother described.
Losing a father is difficult. Losing a father I never knew was difficult and surreal. Obligatory mourning for a stranger responsible only for half my genetic makeup is awkward and unpleasant.
His death afforded opportunities that I’d never have otherwise.
My memories of him are few and fading—the massive burn scar on his left forearm, the one weekend I spent with him and his third wife, a phone call filled with superficial pleasantries six months before his death.
Grief delivers a gut-punch at the most random times.
I have no idea what happened to the drunk driver. I don’t care? That seems…wrong.
I am not as sad as you might think I am after reading this. Should I be sad? Is it crass to be glad? Appreciative?
I wish I’d saved his letters.

katharine gets political (part one)

katharine — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:22:57 +0000

Reminders and observations for the 2012 U.S. presidential election:

Politicians count on your lack of interest and your aversion to engaging in political discourse.

American homosexuals are American citizens. They pay taxes, own property, obey (most of) the laws, and have the right to vote.

Corporations are not American citizens. They pay (some) taxes, own property, (for giggles let’s assume) obey (a few of) the laws, but do not have the right to vote.

Corporations are not people. Okay, they have some rights and responsibilities of people. They definitely are not human.

Are you sure you want to throw support behind anyone who might prioritize the wants/needs of a faceless entity over the wants/needs of human, tax-paying, (mostly) law-abiding citizens?

If you pay taxes, the politicians are your employees. They should be working for you and in your interest.

Scare tactics and misinformation about the opponent are meant to distract you from the real issues.

Politics are not sports. Just because your “team” beats the other “team” doesn’t mean you win. And certainly the people of your country/state or province/town don’t win. The terrorists don’t really win either, but they are kind of smug and self-satisfied for a few minutes.

It’s more satisfying if you’re voting for something rather than against something.

katharine observes the unobservant

katharine — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:31:43 +0000

Ways I can tell no one’s paying attention to me:

No one calls me out for alternating between vector and hand-drawn props for Boris
I have cleverly distributed eight typos through my blog which have not been identified
No one said anything about my new hair cut
I didn’t get any citizenship presents
My last five status updates have been heterophobic and racist against Caucasians
I’m standing right behind you as you read this and you don’t even notice
I have been topless for three days
Three of these are lies and you don’t know which ones because you kind of skimmed the whole thing to see if I mentioned you or said anything funny or angry or offensive

katharine issues fair warning about upcoming content

katharine — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:31:31 +0000

Things might get a little ranty around here.

I’ve been known to display my bitterness in the past. Bitterness is hardwired into my DNA (again, I don’t really know how DNA works) and is part of my charm (or will be when, in 20 years, I’ve grown into—and been accepted as—my role as a lady curmudgeon). No matter how much sugar, Splenda, stevia, aspartame, and high fructose corn syrup I consume, I’ve still got lingering bitterness. Even so, I’m not known as an angry person ranting on the steps of the local library. I try to keep things light and fluffy and not-too-thinky.

Time for fluffy-thinking is over. It’s time to give our flabby arms a workout with fist-shaking and desk-banging and neck-throttling. Okay, neck-throttling is going too far. Don’t do that one.

I’ve been filling up Simplenote* with lots of rants, thoughts, ideas, and unpopular opinions. If I could write in the shower, I’d have triple the amount of material. Admittedly, half of my internal shower rants are shower-related. It’s all water pressure, water temperature, soap innovations, religion, why people wouldn’t believe it if Jesus appeared today, skin elasticity, chemicals in food versus chemicals in cleansers, exfoliation, and why my mother doesn’t love me anymore. There’s a joke about brainwashing somewhere but I think my shampoo is slowly murdering my brain cells (I may not know how any of the sciences work).

Anyway, I’ll be sharing some of my thinks and observations and unpopular opinions in the coming weeks. If you’re sensitive to liberal theories, shower-based musings, or general suppositions, perhaps you’d be better off looking at my less controversial Pinterest likes or Etsy treasuries. Ooh, pretty things.

*Simplenote is awesome because it lets me write/ramble on my iPad and then edit on the big computer. I don’t write in Microsoft Word. I don’t even have MS Office. Most of my writing happens in TextEdit or Simplenote or scribbled in real notebooks with real paper and real pens with questionable ink flow. Why are ball point pens so terrible?! No, wait. I’ll save that one for later.

things we will have to explain to future generations

katharine — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:54:26 +0000

Things we will have to explain to future generations:

Coloured toilet paper
Cassette tapes (audio and video)
the Qwerty keyboard
Polar bears
Koala bears
Hypercolor t-shirts
Furbies and Beanie babies
Movie rental stores
Shopping malls that aren’t 3/4 vacant
Bananas
Situation comedies
AOL
Fax machines
Telephone dial tones
Newsgroups
Writing personal checks
Answering machine messages
Christianity

katharine’s rejected idea pile

katharine — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 04:14:55 +0000

temporarily rejected ideas:

articles:
what do your toenails say about your personality?
which celebrities do your unpainted fingernails resemble?
freckle patterns that resemble constellations
hats and why we wear them
from flash bulbs to flashers: a love story
psychics who read waxing strips (can your bikini wax predict your future?)

multi-media:
audio podcast of my cats’ various purrs
a serial drama about crayons
moose lobster
SPCA ad spoof featuring sad monsters that need adopting (can we get sarah mclachlan?)
“wet hair on shower tiles” organic ongoing art installation

katharine hearts canada

katharine — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:23:18 +0000

Some things I like about Canada

The RCMP uniforms
Nanaimo bars
Inukshuk
Flin Flon, Manitoba
Northern Lights
The Big Snit
Ketchup potato chips
National Film Board
CBC
Lawren Harris
Bagpipes at parades and other public functions
The government always spells my name correctly

Today I became a citizen of Canada. It was a long, five-year process. Once I collect my thoughts and can construct a cohesive narrative, I will be updating my Am I Canadian Yet? blog.

Spoiler Alert: Yes, I am.

Things people don’t like to be told

katharine — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:36:23 +0000

Things people don’t like to be told:

what to put in their mouths
what to do with their reproductive organs
whom to marry
how to raise their children
their religious beliefs are wrong
an opinion opposing their own beliefs
what’s age-appropriate
that a coveted item is out of stock
when to shut up in a public venue
when to turn off their phones
their parents have/had sex
they look fat
no one will ever love them

katharine develops a false sense of ability

katharine — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:57:48 +0000

things the internet convinces me i could do

cook
bend wire into attractive typographic art
wear a pixie cut without looking like a boy
attempt complicated cosmetic tricks
take photographs
play the ukulele
cut my bangs
start a successful meme
knit
create websites
write for the list section of McSweeney’s
be funny on Twitter
design desktop backgrounds
create my own Wikipedia entry under an alias
like Doctor Who
make friends

katharine hearts tumblr

katharine — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 04:56:39 +0000

Things my Tumblr dashboard tries to convince me I like:
Batman
Doctor Who
Star Trek
Sherlock Holmes
nude ladies
Hipster Ariel
Dubstep
Peep Show (and David Mitchell)

Things my Tumblr dashboard has successfully convinced me to like:
David Mitchell

Follow me on the Tumblr.